Getting the Respect You Want

We all want respect but not all of us know how to get it.  As a result, those who are seeking respect often end up getting into heated arguments that lead to deep frustration and resentment toward the people we care the most about.  This can be exhausting for everyone involved, so it’s no wonder that the majority of teens I work with want the fighting to stop.  Arguments between you and your parents or you and faculty may be draining at the moment, but there are a lot of ways you can get the respect you want that don’t require raising your voice or stomping the ground. 

One of the most important ways to gain respect as a teen is to keep your voice steady and calm when talking about things that are emotional for you.  Too often we get wound up in our emotions and the injustice of the situation.  Our voice starts to get louder and the specific point that we wanted to make gets buried somewhere behind our aggressive tone, multiple profanities and our high pitched screams.

Recognize that the power lies within you.  Seriously.  You have the power.  

It is up to you to communicate effectively and calmly, and if you do, you’ll see that you can diffuse any argument.  

It can, of course, be really hard to express yourself when your emotions are high.  The more distraught we are, the harder it is to listen to someone else’s point of view and the more challenging it can be to communicate our thoughts.  This is why it is so important to recognize your anger before it takes hold of your voice.  I mean, let’s be honest.  You don’t want to start chewing your mom’s head off at the grocery store in front of a bunch of people, right? 

The work you do before the argument is probably the most important.  Spend some time alone with a journal or notebook and write down specific moments in time when you felt frustrated or angry with your parents or someone in authority.  What did it feel like?  Where in your body do you remember feeling it the most?  What happened just before the argument started?  What did they say during the argument that got you even more frustrated?  Taking the time to think back to that moment and recognize how you were feeling will serve you in the future.

The next time you feel an argument coming on, focus on your breath and count to ten.  Sometimes it’s even helpful to tell the person that you have to go to the bathroom so that you can walk away and collect your thoughts before it is too late. 

Once you have control of your emotions, remember to keep your voice steady, low and calm.  People are more likely to listen if you are not yelling or screaming your head off and you’ll show your mom or dad that you’re making a serious effort to communicate respectfully.  Explain your feelings and ask questions that will help clarify the situation.  The more you understand the other person’s perspective, the more they will be willing to listen to yours. 

Taking the time to recognize what sets you off and learning how to keep your voice calm will help you communicate your thoughts more clearly and respectfully.  While I can’t promise that the conversation will always end in your favor, I can assure you that you will gain a greater self-awareness and highly effective communication skills that will serve you throughout your life.

Copyright © 2015 by Maggie Steele

3 Steps to Make Peace with Your Inner Critic

1. Recognize it!

The first and possibly most important thing to do is to recognize the voice inside your head that does the comparing.  You know who I mean right?  That annoying voice that ends up telling you you’re ugly, stupid, pudgy, or worse.  Now you may think to yourself, “What? I don’t talk that way to myself,” but I urge you to listen.  Some of you may be shocked when you hear some of the hateful things you are telling yourself on a regular basis. 

You will likely start to notice that some of the things you tell yourself are so mean that if a friend of yours told you the same, you would probably want nothing to do with them.  Think about that!  You are allowing your own inner voice to berate and humiliate you on a daily basis, but if a friend told you the same, you would never put up with it.  Well, don’t put up with it now! 

2. Write it down!

What are your strengths?  What are you proud of?  What is your favorite color at the moment? Or do you have many?  What is something you really enjoy doing?  What are you grateful for?  What qualities do you possess that make you you?   Have fun with the questions and come up with some of your own.  By focusing on who you are and perhaps, who you would like to become, you will start to feel more comfortable in your skin and your self-esteem will increase significantly.

3. Listen up!

Make it a point to listen to your inner voice when you’re flipping through a magazine or watching a movie.  What kind of things are you telling yourself?  Are you comparing yourself to a celebrity?  If so, recognize the comment and let it go.  No need to berate yourself or judge yourself for being cruel.  Just notice the comment and let it go.  This exercise will have a huge impact on your self-esteem in the long run.   Practice it enough and you will soon be doing it without even thinking, squashing that negative chatter before it has a chance to effect you.

At the end of the day, we all have insecurities and there are moments when we feel bad about the way we look.  It’s okay to feel bad from time to time, but feeling bad on a daily basis will cause you more pain and grief in the end.  Why waste your energy feeling down when you have so many things to celebrate?  Who you are reveals so much more than a reflection in a mirror, so focus on becoming the person you want to be and less on worrying about what others see. 

Copyright © 2015 by Maggie Steele

Unplug for the Holidays

With the holidays coming up, I thought it might be a good time to talk about some of the benefits of unplugging. I know, I know. Why would anyone want to do that? There are a lot of great reasons though, and some of them might really inspire you to take a break.

It’s no secret that technology is a huge part of our lives today. We spend most of our days posting, tweeting, chatting, liking and sharing videos and photos. When we’re not doing that, we’re mindlessly scrolling down our news feed checking in on what everyone else is posting. While social media is a fantastic way to build a community and connect with your friends, it can also bring you down. Some people subconsciously base their self-worth on whether or not people like their status and it can be devastating when their post is not acknowledged.

Taking a second to acknowledge someone in person, face to face, can do a lot more than simply “liking” a photo, but most of us spend more time on our phones than we do connecting with people in person. This is why it is so important for us to unplug from time to time. Not only will we be able to avoid the painful feelings that are often brought about by comparing photos and status updates, but we will be able to spend our time doing things that make us feel good.

Taking a break from the internet can actually lead to some productive, healthy and hilarious ways to spend your time. Instead of checking someone’s status, you could learn how to cook a muffin or build a dog house from scratch. You could design your own bracelet or make a ton and give them away to everyone at school! You could paint your room, go for a hike, do some yoga, play a sport or just sit quietly with your cat. You could meet a friend and go for lunch, take a random class or go to a book store. You could eat a bagel and dance around the kitchen singing, “Let it Go”! You could spend some time with your family or volunteer to help those in need.

Here’s the thing. There are countless activities you could do with the time spent checking in on your friends. Make a list of fun things you’d like to do and invite others to join you! Give it a chance and see how it feels to unplug over the holidays. Who knows? You might just want to unplug every month from here on out.

Copyright © 2014 by Maggie Steele. All rights reserved.

Knowing is Not Enough

What would it take for you to be kinder? What would have to change for you to be more active? I ask these questions because we all know that when we are nice, people are friendlier, and when we are active, we are happier and healthier. Knowledge, however, is not enough to make us change our ways. Knowing that something is good for us rarely leads to action and without action, our behavior will, sadly, never change.

Although knowledge is incredibly powerful and awareness awakens us to the problems or dissatisfaction in our lives, the shift that is needed must be taken and not simply thought. Taking a step towards being the person you want to be is a step in the right direction. We need to move towards our dreams by setting and accomplishing our goals along the way; not just sitting down and thinking about them. Thoughts are powerful but thoughts accompanied by action are even more so.

If you want to change your ways, start by recognizing exactly what needs to change. Is the television keeping you from being active or productive? Is there a part of you that you’d like to see more of in your daily life? When we become aware of the things that need to change, we can take immediate action and significant steps in the direction of our dreams. If you want to be kinder or more generous, acknowledge the part of you that already is. How can you accentuate this part of you? What can you do today that will make you feel as though you are becoming the person you want to be?

Copyright © 2014 by Maggie Steele.  All rights reserved. 

Finding Your Passion

While many of us are blessed with the innate understanding of why we were put on this Earth, the vast majority of  us are left grasping at ideas and notions of what it is we are meant to do with our lives.   We listen to our parents, our friends, and our teachers, thinking that they are able to tell us exactly what to do.  And while those close to us may certainly have good intentions, the truth is that no one knows you better than yourself. 

Many of my clients come to me, thinking that I, too, will be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that will make them happy and can tell them what they should do with the precious time they have been given.  They soon discover, however, that a coach is not there to give you the answers but instead, there to shine a light on the answers that are already there. The very key these young adults so desperately seek has actually been with them the whole time.

Of course, it would be naive to say that once you find that passion, you’re all set!  Our wants gradually change and our needs slowly shift as we develop and mature throughout our lives.    The passion and zeal we have for something at 18 may not be as strong at 26 and the burning desire we have to do something else at 34 may not leave us fully satisfied at 75.  The beauty of life is that we are constantly evolving and with each transformation, our passion can change and our purpose can grow even greater.

My job, as I see it, is to help young adults discover that particular thing that invigorates them, understand how that passion connects with their purpose, and then  help them recognize the limiting beliefs and fears that can hold them back from realizing their dreams.  And while many have come to me feeling lost and overwhelmed by the countless choices and possibilities that lay before them, the truth remains that every single one of us has a unique gift and an undeniable spark that ignites when we are being true to our hearts and living our soul’s purpose. 

So how do you find your passion or rekindle that spark you think may have gone out?  One of the first things you can do is to create a list of things that make you smile.  Sit by yourself, close your eyes, and wait until you can’t help but smile.  Sometimes the things we want to make us smile just don’t have the ability to do so and that is okay.  Try not to judge your thoughts and focus solely on the ones that make your cheeks puff out and your eyes start to crinkle.  

Once you have your list, continue to add on to it on a daily basis.  Recognize the things that make you smile throughout your day.  Maybe it’s the smell of your coffee or the quirky personality of a teacher.  Maybe it’s a memory of a raucous party or a challenging game of chess.  Recognize these precious moments that fill you with warmth and make you feel good.  The key to finding your passion lies in the simplicity of this exercise.  Pay attention to what makes you smile and things you never knew about yourself or had perhaps forgotten, will quickly start to surface.

Look at your list, pinpoint the feelings that accompany some of these things and ask yourself powerful questions.  Dig deep and get to the root of the feeling.  Questions like these can be very helpful and can guide you toward your purpose: “What is it about              that makes me feel free?” “What is it about __________ that I enjoy?”  “If  __________ makes me feel __________ what else will make me feel _____?”  “What would be possible if I woke up everyday feeling ______?”

Don’t worry so much about the answers to your questions.  Instead, focus on being authentic and honest with yourself.  Get to know yourself and the things that make you feel good.  Finding your passion and purpose does not have to be a daunting task.  It can actually be a hilarious and thrilling process if you let it.  Jot down the things that make you smile, discover the things that make you tick, define your purpose and make today be the day you start living with intention.

Copyright © 2014 by Maggie Steele.  All rights reserved.