Maggie's Blog: start living coaching

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Getting the Respect You Want

We all want respect but not all of us know how to get it. As a result, those who are seeking respect often end up getting into heated arguments that lead to deep frustration and resentment toward the people we care the most about. This can be exhausting for everyone involved, so it’s no wonder that the majority of teens I work with want the fighting to stop. Arguments between you and your parents or you and faculty may be draining at the moment, but there are a lot of ways you can get the respect you want that don’t require raising your voice or stomping the ground.

One of the most important ways to gain respect as a teen is to keep your voice steady and calm when talking about things that are emotional for you. Too often we get wound up in our emotions and the injustice of the situation. Our voice starts to get louder and the specific point that we wanted to make gets buried somewhere behind our aggressive tone, multiple profanities and our high pitched screams.

Recognize that the power lies within you. Seriously. You have the power.

It is up to you to communicate effectively and calmly, and if you do, you’ll see that you can diffuse any argument.

It can, of course, be really hard to express yourself when your emotions are high. The more distraught we are, the harder it is to listen to someone else’s point of view and the more challenging it can be to communicate our thoughts. This is why it is so important to recognize your anger before it takes hold of your voice. I mean, let’s be honest. You don’t want to start chewing your mom’s head off at the grocery store in front of a bunch of people, right?

The work you do before the argument is probably the most important. Spend some time alone with a journal or notebook and write down specific moments in time when you felt frustrated or angry with your parents or someone in authority. What did it feel like? Where in your body do you remember feeling it the most? What happened just before the argument started? What did they say during the argument that got you even more frustrated? Taking the time to think back to that moment and recognize how you were feeling will serve you in the future.

The next time you feel an argument coming on, focus on your breath and count to ten. Sometimes it’s even helpful to tell the person that you have to go to the bathroom so that you can walk away and collect your thoughts before it is too late.

Once you have control of your emotions, remember to keep your voice steady, low and calm. People are more likely to listen if you are not yelling or screaming your head off and you’ll show your mom or dad that you’re making a serious effort to communicate respectfully. Explain your feelings and ask questions that will help clarify the situation. The more you understand the other person’s perspective, the more they will be willing to listen to yours.

Taking the time to recognize what sets you off and learning how to keep your voice calm will help you communicate your thoughts more clearly and respectfully. While I can’t promise that the conversation will always end in your favor, I can assure you that you will gain a greater self-awareness and highly effective communication skills that will serve you throughout your life.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Communication Matters

When it comes to communication, we have three ways of showing up. We can be passive, we can be aggressive, or we can be assertive. Of course, when you’re in a situation, it’s not always easy to just think, “Hmm. How should I communicate here?” Taking some time to think about situations in advance, however, can give you the opportunity to imagine what it would be like to communicate the way you want to.

Let’s take a look at passive communication. Darren and Rachel are heading into Algebra class. Over the weekend, Rachel’s mom told Rachel and her sister that she and her father were getting a divorce. A lot happened over the weekend and Rachel wasn't able to concentrate on school. Instead, she tried to process the changes that were taking place and the emotions she was feeling.

It is now Monday morning, and Rachel suddenly remembers that there is a quiz. Her friend, Darren looks over at her and asks if anything is wrong. Rachel shakes her head no and slides into her seat, hoping that the quiz has been canceled and that the teacher will be absent for the day. The teacher shows up, passes out the quizzes and Rachel fails. By being passive and hoping that the quiz would be canceled, Rachel was unable to advocate for what she needed. As a result, neither Darren nor her teacher knew what was going on and were unable to offer her the support she needed.

If Rachel had used aggressive communication, she would have responded to her friend, “No! I’m not okay. My parents are getting divorced and I didn’t study for this stupid quiz.” When the teacher walked in and started handing out the quizzes, Rachel would have gone straight up to him and said, “There’s no way I can do this. I can’t even begin to tell you what I went through this weekend. I’m not taking this quiz. There’s no way I’m taking it!” The teacher would then have the opportunity to respond but might be thrown off by Rachel’s aggressive tone. Rachel’s teacher might not have had much empathy for her situation and may have had her take the quiz. In addition, Darren might have been put off my Rachel’s attitude and in the end Rachel would not have gotten the support that she needed.

If Rachel had used assertive communication, she would have answered Darren by stating that she didn’t feel well and had had a rough weekend. When the teacher came into the classroom, Rachel would have walked up to him and calmly explained the situation. She would then ask the teacher if she could take the quiz on Thursday so that she could have some time to study. Rachel’s assertive communication style would have likely gotten her what she needed; understanding, support and accommodation.

When it comes to communication, assertive communication is always your best bet. By standing up for what you need and expressing yourself in a calm and even tone, the person you are speaking with is able to hear what you have to say without feeling attacked. As a result, they are able to understand your needs. While they may not always be able to meet your needs, you can rest assured that they will be able to hear you out and support you as best they can.