Communication Matters

When it comes to communication, we have three ways of showing up.  We can be passive, we can be aggressive, or we can be assertive.  Of course, when you’re in a situation, it’s not always easy to just think, “Hmm.  How should I communicate here?” Taking some time to think about situations in advance, however, can give you the opportunity to imagine what it would be like to communicate the way you want to.

Let’s take a look at passive communication.   Darren and Rachel are heading into Algebra class.  Over the weekend, Rachel’s mom told Rachel and her sister that she and her father were getting a divorce.  A lot happened over the weekend and Rachel wasn't able to concentrate on school.  Instead, she tried to process the changes that were taking place and the emotions she was feeling. 

It is now Monday morning, and Rachel suddenly remembers that there is a quiz.  Her friend, Darren looks over at her and asks if anything is wrong.  Rachel shakes her head no and slides into her seat, hoping that the quiz has been canceled and that the teacher will be absent for the day.  The teacher shows up, passes out the quizzes and Rachel fails. By being passive and hoping that the quiz would be canceled, Rachel was unable to advocate for what she needed.  As a result, neither Darren nor her teacher knew what was going on and were unable to offer her the support she needed. 

If Rachel had used aggressive communication, she would have responded to her friend, “No! I’m not okay.  My parents are getting divorced and I didn’t study for this stupid quiz.”  When the teacher walked in and started handing out the quizzes, Rachel would have gone straight up to him and said, “There’s no way I can do this.  I can’t even begin to tell you what I went through this weekend.  I’m not taking this quiz.  There’s no way I’m taking it!”  The teacher would then have the opportunity to respond but might be thrown off by Rachel’s aggressive tone.  Rachel’s teacher might not have had much empathy for her situation and may have had her take the quiz.  In addition, Darren might have been put off my Rachel’s attitude and in the end Rachel would not have gotten the support that she needed. 

If Rachel had used assertive communication, she would have answered Darren by stating that she didn’t feel well and had had a rough weekend.  When the teacher came into the classroom, Rachel would have walked up to him and calmly explained the situation.  She would then ask the teacher if she could take the quiz on Thursday so that she could have some time to study.  Rachel’s assertive communication style would have likely gotten her what she needed; understanding, support and accommodation. 

When it comes to communication, assertive communication is always your best bet.  By standing up for what you need and expressing yourself in a calm and even tone, the person you are speaking with is able to hear what you have to say without feeling attacked.  As a result, they are able to understand your needs.  While they may not always be able to meet your needs, you can rest assured that they will be able to hear you out and support you as best they can.   

Copyright © 2015 by Maggie Steele

Unplug for the Holidays

With the holidays coming up, I thought it might be a good time to talk about some of the benefits of unplugging. I know, I know. Why would anyone want to do that? There are a lot of great reasons though, and some of them might really inspire you to take a break.

It’s no secret that technology is a huge part of our lives today. We spend most of our days posting, tweeting, chatting, liking and sharing videos and photos. When we’re not doing that, we’re mindlessly scrolling down our news feed checking in on what everyone else is posting. While social media is a fantastic way to build a community and connect with your friends, it can also bring you down. Some people subconsciously base their self-worth on whether or not people like their status and it can be devastating when their post is not acknowledged.

Taking a second to acknowledge someone in person, face to face, can do a lot more than simply “liking” a photo, but most of us spend more time on our phones than we do connecting with people in person. This is why it is so important for us to unplug from time to time. Not only will we be able to avoid the painful feelings that are often brought about by comparing photos and status updates, but we will be able to spend our time doing things that make us feel good.

Taking a break from the internet can actually lead to some productive, healthy and hilarious ways to spend your time. Instead of checking someone’s status, you could learn how to cook a muffin or build a dog house from scratch. You could design your own bracelet or make a ton and give them away to everyone at school! You could paint your room, go for a hike, do some yoga, play a sport or just sit quietly with your cat. You could meet a friend and go for lunch, take a random class or go to a book store. You could eat a bagel and dance around the kitchen singing, “Let it Go”! You could spend some time with your family or volunteer to help those in need.

Here’s the thing. There are countless activities you could do with the time spent checking in on your friends. Make a list of fun things you’d like to do and invite others to join you! Give it a chance and see how it feels to unplug over the holidays. Who knows? You might just want to unplug every month from here on out.

Copyright © 2014 by Maggie Steele. All rights reserved.