Communication Matters

When it comes to communication, we have three ways of showing up.  We can be passive, we can be aggressive, or we can be assertive.  Of course, when you’re in a situation, it’s not always easy to just think, “Hmm.  How should I communicate here?” Taking some time to think about situations in advance, however, can give you the opportunity to imagine what it would be like to communicate the way you want to.

Let’s take a look at passive communication.   Darren and Rachel are heading into Algebra class.  Over the weekend, Rachel’s mom told Rachel and her sister that she and her father were getting a divorce.  A lot happened over the weekend and Rachel wasn't able to concentrate on school.  Instead, she tried to process the changes that were taking place and the emotions she was feeling. 

It is now Monday morning, and Rachel suddenly remembers that there is a quiz.  Her friend, Darren looks over at her and asks if anything is wrong.  Rachel shakes her head no and slides into her seat, hoping that the quiz has been canceled and that the teacher will be absent for the day.  The teacher shows up, passes out the quizzes and Rachel fails. By being passive and hoping that the quiz would be canceled, Rachel was unable to advocate for what she needed.  As a result, neither Darren nor her teacher knew what was going on and were unable to offer her the support she needed. 

If Rachel had used aggressive communication, she would have responded to her friend, “No! I’m not okay.  My parents are getting divorced and I didn’t study for this stupid quiz.”  When the teacher walked in and started handing out the quizzes, Rachel would have gone straight up to him and said, “There’s no way I can do this.  I can’t even begin to tell you what I went through this weekend.  I’m not taking this quiz.  There’s no way I’m taking it!”  The teacher would then have the opportunity to respond but might be thrown off by Rachel’s aggressive tone.  Rachel’s teacher might not have had much empathy for her situation and may have had her take the quiz.  In addition, Darren might have been put off my Rachel’s attitude and in the end Rachel would not have gotten the support that she needed. 

If Rachel had used assertive communication, she would have answered Darren by stating that she didn’t feel well and had had a rough weekend.  When the teacher came into the classroom, Rachel would have walked up to him and calmly explained the situation.  She would then ask the teacher if she could take the quiz on Thursday so that she could have some time to study.  Rachel’s assertive communication style would have likely gotten her what she needed; understanding, support and accommodation. 

When it comes to communication, assertive communication is always your best bet.  By standing up for what you need and expressing yourself in a calm and even tone, the person you are speaking with is able to hear what you have to say without feeling attacked.  As a result, they are able to understand your needs.  While they may not always be able to meet your needs, you can rest assured that they will be able to hear you out and support you as best they can.   

Copyright © 2015 by Maggie Steele

You Don’t Need Someone Else to Be Happy

It’s funny to me that so much of what we believe is simply the result of being bombarded with ideals and opinions that don’t necessarily match up with our authentic selves.  Much of what we hear is that we need to find that special someone to spend the rest of our lives with.  In fact, many times that special someone is meant to be the key to our happiness.  If we find that special person, everything will be better and we will finally be happy.  Seriously?  If that were the case, then everyone with a partner would be dancing around in absolute bliss for the rest of their lives.

We can’t suddenly be happy just because we’ve found that special someone. Think about where happiness comes from.  How do you know you’re happy?  You feel happy, right? The feeling itself comes from inside of you.  It only makes sense then, that true, authentic happiness is something that only we can give to ourselves. 

Take Jessika for example.  Jessika grew up with the Disney classics and although she knew deep down inside that she was capable of doing just about anything, there was a small but significant part of her that believed without a shadow of a doubt that her life would be better and she would be happier as soon as her prince came into her life. Jessika did eventually meet that someone and soon realized that Jimmy wasn’t doing what she had imagined he would do.  She was certain that he would make her happy.  Instead, she only felt more alone and upset when things didn’t go the way she had hoped. 

Jessika’s story is pretty common.  We start off by looking for that person who will, in a sense, complete us.  Once we find them, we then put all of our hopes and dreams onto them and expect that they will be the ones to make us happy.  Imagine how that person feels! That’s a whole lot of pressure.  Sure enough the person isn’t able to deliver and we feel empty and hurt.  Once we’ve gotten over the pain and the heartache, we start telling ourselves that that person just wasn’t the one.  Again, we let society run our thoughts and we continue to seek out that one person who will be the one to make us happy.

What would it be like if you were able to find the happiness you're looking for by simply being you?  I know, I know, you're probably thinking, "What is she talking about?"  Bear with me, okay.  How do you think a relationship might benefit if you were happy all on your own, and didn’t need that other person to make you whole? 

The thing is, happiness is something that comes from within.  It’s something that we can cultivate on our own and then share with others.  So how do you do it?  One of the first things you can do is to come up with a list of things that make you smile.  It doesn’t matter how big or how silly these things are.  It could even be something like eating a warm chocolate chip cookie!  By identifying things that make you smile, you are gaining a deeper understanding of who you are and what you enjoy. 

Another thing you can do is keep a gratitude journal.  Whenever you feel moved to write, jot down some of the things you are grateful for.  By building awareness of what you have, you will be more in tune with yourself and your environment. This awareness will help you by highlighting who you are, what you have, and how those things bring you happiness.  If you keep looking for happiness outside of yourself you will continue down that hopeless path of disappointment.  If you take a look inside though, you’ll start to notice those unique things that bring about the joy that naturally resides within you.  And that happiness, well, that’s all yours.  And always will be.  No matter what. 

Copyright © 2015 by Maggie Steele

Unplug for the Holidays

With the holidays coming up, I thought it might be a good time to talk about some of the benefits of unplugging. I know, I know. Why would anyone want to do that? There are a lot of great reasons though, and some of them might really inspire you to take a break.

It’s no secret that technology is a huge part of our lives today. We spend most of our days posting, tweeting, chatting, liking and sharing videos and photos. When we’re not doing that, we’re mindlessly scrolling down our news feed checking in on what everyone else is posting. While social media is a fantastic way to build a community and connect with your friends, it can also bring you down. Some people subconsciously base their self-worth on whether or not people like their status and it can be devastating when their post is not acknowledged.

Taking a second to acknowledge someone in person, face to face, can do a lot more than simply “liking” a photo, but most of us spend more time on our phones than we do connecting with people in person. This is why it is so important for us to unplug from time to time. Not only will we be able to avoid the painful feelings that are often brought about by comparing photos and status updates, but we will be able to spend our time doing things that make us feel good.

Taking a break from the internet can actually lead to some productive, healthy and hilarious ways to spend your time. Instead of checking someone’s status, you could learn how to cook a muffin or build a dog house from scratch. You could design your own bracelet or make a ton and give them away to everyone at school! You could paint your room, go for a hike, do some yoga, play a sport or just sit quietly with your cat. You could meet a friend and go for lunch, take a random class or go to a book store. You could eat a bagel and dance around the kitchen singing, “Let it Go”! You could spend some time with your family or volunteer to help those in need.

Here’s the thing. There are countless activities you could do with the time spent checking in on your friends. Make a list of fun things you’d like to do and invite others to join you! Give it a chance and see how it feels to unplug over the holidays. Who knows? You might just want to unplug every month from here on out.

Copyright © 2014 by Maggie Steele. All rights reserved.

Knowing is Not Enough

What would it take for you to be kinder? What would have to change for you to be more active? I ask these questions because we all know that when we are nice, people are friendlier, and when we are active, we are happier and healthier. Knowledge, however, is not enough to make us change our ways. Knowing that something is good for us rarely leads to action and without action, our behavior will, sadly, never change.

Although knowledge is incredibly powerful and awareness awakens us to the problems or dissatisfaction in our lives, the shift that is needed must be taken and not simply thought. Taking a step towards being the person you want to be is a step in the right direction. We need to move towards our dreams by setting and accomplishing our goals along the way; not just sitting down and thinking about them. Thoughts are powerful but thoughts accompanied by action are even more so.

If you want to change your ways, start by recognizing exactly what needs to change. Is the television keeping you from being active or productive? Is there a part of you that you’d like to see more of in your daily life? When we become aware of the things that need to change, we can take immediate action and significant steps in the direction of our dreams. If you want to be kinder or more generous, acknowledge the part of you that already is. How can you accentuate this part of you? What can you do today that will make you feel as though you are becoming the person you want to be?

Copyright © 2014 by Maggie Steele.  All rights reserved. 

Finding Your Passion

While many of us are blessed with the innate understanding of why we were put on this Earth, the vast majority of  us are left grasping at ideas and notions of what it is we are meant to do with our lives.   We listen to our parents, our friends, and our teachers, thinking that they are able to tell us exactly what to do.  And while those close to us may certainly have good intentions, the truth is that no one knows you better than yourself. 

Many of my clients come to me, thinking that I, too, will be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that will make them happy and can tell them what they should do with the precious time they have been given.  They soon discover, however, that a coach is not there to give you the answers but instead, there to shine a light on the answers that are already there. The very key these young adults so desperately seek has actually been with them the whole time.

Of course, it would be naive to say that once you find that passion, you’re all set!  Our wants gradually change and our needs slowly shift as we develop and mature throughout our lives.    The passion and zeal we have for something at 18 may not be as strong at 26 and the burning desire we have to do something else at 34 may not leave us fully satisfied at 75.  The beauty of life is that we are constantly evolving and with each transformation, our passion can change and our purpose can grow even greater.

My job, as I see it, is to help young adults discover that particular thing that invigorates them, understand how that passion connects with their purpose, and then  help them recognize the limiting beliefs and fears that can hold them back from realizing their dreams.  And while many have come to me feeling lost and overwhelmed by the countless choices and possibilities that lay before them, the truth remains that every single one of us has a unique gift and an undeniable spark that ignites when we are being true to our hearts and living our soul’s purpose. 

So how do you find your passion or rekindle that spark you think may have gone out?  One of the first things you can do is to create a list of things that make you smile.  Sit by yourself, close your eyes, and wait until you can’t help but smile.  Sometimes the things we want to make us smile just don’t have the ability to do so and that is okay.  Try not to judge your thoughts and focus solely on the ones that make your cheeks puff out and your eyes start to crinkle.  

Once you have your list, continue to add on to it on a daily basis.  Recognize the things that make you smile throughout your day.  Maybe it’s the smell of your coffee or the quirky personality of a teacher.  Maybe it’s a memory of a raucous party or a challenging game of chess.  Recognize these precious moments that fill you with warmth and make you feel good.  The key to finding your passion lies in the simplicity of this exercise.  Pay attention to what makes you smile and things you never knew about yourself or had perhaps forgotten, will quickly start to surface.

Look at your list, pinpoint the feelings that accompany some of these things and ask yourself powerful questions.  Dig deep and get to the root of the feeling.  Questions like these can be very helpful and can guide you toward your purpose: “What is it about              that makes me feel free?” “What is it about __________ that I enjoy?”  “If  __________ makes me feel __________ what else will make me feel _____?”  “What would be possible if I woke up everyday feeling ______?”

Don’t worry so much about the answers to your questions.  Instead, focus on being authentic and honest with yourself.  Get to know yourself and the things that make you feel good.  Finding your passion and purpose does not have to be a daunting task.  It can actually be a hilarious and thrilling process if you let it.  Jot down the things that make you smile, discover the things that make you tick, define your purpose and make today be the day you start living with intention.

Copyright © 2014 by Maggie Steele.  All rights reserved.