When it comes to communication, we have three ways of showing up. We can be
passive, we can be aggressive, or we can be assertive. Of course, when you’re in a situation, it’s
not always easy to just think, “Hmm. How should
I communicate here?” Taking some time to think about situations in advance,
however, can give you the opportunity to imagine what it would be like to communicate
the way you want to.
Let’s take a look at passive communication. Darren and Rachel are heading into Algebra
class. Over the weekend, Rachel’s mom
told Rachel and her sister that she and her father were getting a divorce. A lot happened over the weekend and Rachel wasn't able to concentrate on school.
Instead, she tried to process the changes that were taking place and the
emotions she was feeling.
It is now Monday morning, and Rachel suddenly
remembers that there is a quiz.
Her friend, Darren looks over at her and asks if anything is wrong. Rachel shakes her head no and slides into her
seat, hoping that the quiz has been canceled and that the teacher will be
absent for the day. The teacher shows
up, passes out the quizzes and Rachel fails. By being passive and
hoping that the quiz would be canceled, Rachel was unable to advocate for what
she needed. As a result, neither Darren
nor her teacher knew what was going on and were unable to offer her the support she needed.
If Rachel had used aggressive communication, she would have responded to her friend, “No! I’m not okay.
My parents are getting divorced and I didn’t study for this stupid
quiz.” When the teacher walked in and
started handing out the quizzes, Rachel would have gone straight up to him and
said, “There’s no way I can do this. I
can’t even begin to tell you what I went through this weekend. I’m not taking this quiz. There’s no way I’m taking it!”
The teacher would then have the opportunity to respond but might be
thrown off by Rachel’s aggressive tone.
Rachel’s teacher might not have had much empathy for her situation and
may have had her take the quiz. In
addition, Darren might have been put off my Rachel’s attitude and in the end
Rachel would not have gotten the support that she needed.
If Rachel had used assertive communication, she
would have answered Darren by stating that she didn’t feel well and had had a
rough weekend. When the teacher came
into the classroom, Rachel would have walked up to him and calmly explained the
situation. She would then ask the
teacher if she could take the quiz on Thursday so that she could have some time
to study. Rachel’s assertive communication
style would have likely gotten her what she needed; understanding, support and
accommodation.
When it comes to communication, assertive
communication is always your best bet. By
standing up for what you need and expressing yourself in a calm and even tone,
the person you are speaking with is able to hear what you have to say without
feeling attacked. As a result, they are
able to understand your needs. While
they may not always be able to meet your needs, you can rest assured that they
will be able to hear you out and support you as best they can.
Copyright © 2015 by
Maggie Steele
